Dying So Early
by Balanced
Summary: Set during Faith. Dean tries to come to terms with his impending death as Sam tries to find a way to stop it. A Oneshot.


**Warnings:** A great deal of 'Faith' spoilers.

**Disclaimer:** Despite my best efforts, I own nothing.

**A/N: **This is sick. Now I'm writing Supernatural stuff daily? Also, I'm not really thrilled with the end, but what can you do?

**Dying So Early**

Dean lies in the hospital bed, listening intently to the doctor's words. Words like "heart attack" and "comfortable" and "a month" resound in his mind, and he repeats them to a point where it's probably unhealthy. No pun intended. He nods his head and closes his eyes, leaning back against his pillow. One month.

He's never really been the type to obsess over wasted time and what ifs, but now those thoughts race forward with a vengeance. Guilt tugs at his heart as he remembers the way he assured Sammy they'd find their dad. He thinks about how his brother must feel, how angry he probably is. Once again, big brother Dean has let him down, and it sickens him to think that this is how Sam will remember him. As the guy who couldn't come through. It occurs to him that this probably isn't fair, that Sam does love him, but the prospect of dying so early makes him a bit self-pitying.

Dying so early… A terrifying thought rushes into his mind, and he shifts from the weight. What if I never see Dad again? A lump forms in his throat; he fights the urge to cry. That-that doesn't seem fair. But a scarier thought still is that if Sam calls John, he may not come. That's the kind of thing that Sam understands in a way that he simply does not. How a mission can mean more than family. How the good of the many outweighs the good of the one. But Dean knows his little brother better than he knows himself, and he knows that Sam will not leave him now.

……..

For just a moment Sam can't move. We've done all we can. But this is his brother, not some random statistic. That simply can't be. This is Dean. The guy who put Nair in his shampoo, who used to give him the last of the Lucky Charms, who nursed him back to health when he was sick, who intervened on his behalf to their father, who…raised him, really. He can't just die.

He thinks about when Dean went and got him from Stanford, and how angry he was. How pissed that he was going to have to help Dean bring his father home. He thinks about how, in the end, they still hadn't found their father, and how he abandoned Dean anyway. And back then it didn't matter, all the things his older brother had done for him, or how the fight between Sam and John wasn't his fault, He was just so self-absorbed that he only wanted to get back to school and away from his family, his blood, his brother. Because that was what it was really about. Not Jessica (even though he loved her so much it scared him), not really about the education. No. It was about knowing that when Dean finally did find their dad, Sam wouldn't be there, letting go of his pride.

And for just a second, he hates himself so much he can barely stand it.

……..

John listens to the message once, twice, three times before he finally drops the phone. "Dean's sick," he says aloud to the darkness. That's not the whole truth, but he isn't going to elaborate-he can't. No one should have to bury their child.

He reaches for his suitcase to go be with his family before his reason kicks in. Sam will take care of it, of that he is sure. John's heard whispers of a faith healer in Nebraska that's supposed to be the real deal, and he's sure that Sam won't rest until he's found something to fix the damage done to his brother. A ghost of a smile appears on his face as he thinks about how Dean will react to that kind of treatment. He can just imagine his oldest son, glowering at everyone as he gets out of the car, cursing quietly at his brother and the situation.

John finds peace in that, and goes back to his reading.

……..

They get into the Impala what feels like a lifetime later-and it sorta is-to leave Nebraska, and Dean glances very quickly at his brother. The awful guilt he felt knowing that some innocent had died so he could live has lessened just a tiny bit, but he knows he will carry that with him always. Staring at his younger brother's features, he finds himself wondering if, even knowing what he knows, he would have done the exact same thing for Sam. He doesn't want to answer yes; he finds the very idea to be repulsive and disgusting, but he knows it isn't that simple. He'll say later that the lengths he'll go to for Sam and John scare him, and a truer statement he can't imagine.

He takes a deep breath and blurts out before he can rethink this "chick flick moment", "Sam, in case I didn't say it… Thanks. For everything. For finding the Reverend. I'm still mad, but…" He stops, but isn't finished. "I can't imagine how you must have felt."

Sam smirks in a way that reminds Dean of himself, and replies, "And the award for best supporting actress in a daytime drama goes too…" But then he genuinely smiles, and they both know it's ok.

……..

In the days following his younger son's message, John keeps a close eye on news about Nebraska, and a certain "Reverend." He knows it's going to be ok-it has to be- and that worrying this way is only going to make him sloppy, but he can't help it. He has to know that Dean is okay, and until then, everything gets put on hold.

Finally, one afternoon, a reporter is standing outside a large tent interviewing a pretty girl with long blond hair.

"Does it make you angry that you were the last chosen, with no results?"

She smiles in a way that makes John feel very sorry for her before answering. "No, no. God works in mysterious ways. And besides, the Reverend healed somebody that needed it far more than I do. A boy with a heart condition needed a reason to believe."

And with a sigh of relief that rocks John to his very bones, he shuts the T.V. off.

Fin.


End file.
